I recently listened to Melinda Gate’s audiobook, The Moment of Lift: How Empowering Women Changes the World, and found it quite thought provoking. Near the end she infers that when we are unable (or unwilling) to ‘be’ with another person’s pain, we are in fact marginalizing them and contributing to their feeling of being alone in their struggle. That might not be the intent, but in her opinion, it is the result.
Personally, I had never thought of it that way before, but it makes a lot of sense. She tells the story of a person who needed to leave the room while a woman spoke of her painful and disturbing life story. Melinda could see that the demeanour of the woman sharing her story changed when the other person left. It was as if the woman became more alone in her pain as she sensed that the other person could not be with her as she shared it.
As a peer supporter we intrinsically understand how helpful it can be to listen and ‘be’ with another. That is one of the reasons that peer support works. Feeling alone in our struggle is an often-stated symptom of mental health illness– peer supporters offer empathy and support as a person travels their path of recovery. Peer supporters help another person to not feel alone in their pain.
So, what does it mean to offer empathetic support or to ‘be’ with another person?
One of the best expressions of this, in my opinion, is by Karen Liberman, former speaker, advisor, and
Executive Director of Mood Disorders Association of Ontario, and dear friend of the Canadian peer support movement.
“To support a person is more than to listen and to talk. It’s more than effective questioning.
Those are mechanics. To be truly present is to communicate in a whole new way. It's as if,
each time, with each conversation, you're hearing the story for the first time . . .
and it's the most important story you've ever heard.”
Brene Brown’s Sympathy vs Empathy video is another excellent resource. This short and light-hearted video demonstrates how empathetically listening to a person who is in struggle can be validating and help a person to feel less alone and more hopeful. Stepping into a situation with the intent of fixing the problem or artificially making the person feel better is not as helpful as connecting with the emotion that you believe the other person is feeling, (which is the meaning of empathy). If you have not yet seen this video, google “Brene Brown sympathy vs empathy”.
Peer support is about being willing to accept another person’s story of struggle (without doubt or judgement), acknowledge and validate their emotions, and have the courage to listen attentively to whatever it is they wish to share. All of this can be done without words.
Brene’s statement at the end of her video summarizes how valuable our presence is: “Rarely does a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.” Many may be afraid that they won’t know what to say, which might lead them to avoid others who are craving acknowledgement and support. Our simple willingness to listen and authentically care is more important that having the right words or response.
This also reminds me of my theory on body language.
We can all agree that if a listener sits tensely in their chair, with their arms tightly crossed across their chest and a steely, disbelieving look on their face, they are not emitting a sense of open minded, non-judgmental validation of what the other person is saying. This would be an example of negative body language and it would not likely encourage openness or build a trusting connection.
But for me, I do not believe that the lesson is to learn how to position our body or adjust our face, but rather the work that each of us needs to do is examine our own internal beliefs and become more self-aware of our emotional reactions and our tendency to judge. I believe that the more open minded each of us becomes, our body language will naturally adjust. Changing our body language so that we appear to be more supportive is not authentic and will not work as the other person will eventually see through it.
Hmmm, time for another important consideration - protecting your own mental wellness.
I have been stating the value and necessity of listening and accompanying others on their journeys of struggle and recovery, but now its time for the flip side. Human interactions are never simple and straight-forward, so we must look at this from another angle.
As a peer supporter, it is equally important that you honour your own wellness and needs. Nothing is gained if you push yourself to be there for another when it may be traumatizing or a harmful trigger for you.
Whenever I do peer support training, I include an exercise near the end of our time together where I ask each person to consider what conversations or situations they know are not wise for them to be a part of. As we go around the room there are a range of responses. Some folks say there isn’t anything that they feel would risk their own mental wellness, while others state specific topics or situations that would hit too close to home for them.
The range of items that risk a person’s ability to listen safely and non-judgmentally is wide and might include things like domestic abuse, pet abuse, or grief due to loss by suicide. The reason we do this exercise is to encourage prospective peer supporters to consider what might be a trigger or traumatizing in order to protect their own mental wellness.
While it may be a great goal for each of us to be open to any and all conversations, it is equally important for each of us to be self-aware enough to know what we need to do to keep ourselves healthy. It is not a failing to have some things that you cannot discuss but rather its an accomplishment that you have gained the self awareness of knowing that its not wise.
Another reason for this exercise is for each supporter to become more aware of what might risk their ability to be non-judgmental and to empathetically hold the other person in high regard no matter what their prior activities or experience might be. If we find that we are negatively judging a person or thinking less of them because of something that they say, then we are not the right peer supporter for them.
Hopefully you are a part of peer support team rather than working in isolation. If so, I can assure you that someone else on your team will be able to step in if you find yourself in a situation that is not healthy for you. One of the goals of doing this exercise in our training is to demonstrate that there are others on the team who are not negatively impacted by that topic that concerns you. I also suggest that you take the time to look in your community for additional backup resources, especially if you are not part of a team. It can give you a level of reassurance to know that you can refer a person to another resource especially if you discover that you are not a good fit for a relationship.
The magic of peer support comes from a supporter’s ability to listen fully, without judgement, and to offer empathy and validation no matter what the person may choose to speak about. That is a lofty goal, yet it happens all the time when peer supporters go forward into relationships with a desire to support a person and ‘be’ there for them no matter what happens, as they strive forward on their recovery journeys. Developing your self-awareness to know when you might be personally impacted and to have a plan for how to maintain support while caring for your needs, will help you to do this important work on into the future.
I will give the final word on Melinda’s theory to Kate Hart, a person I met in a peer support training session:
“Pain Shared is Pain Halved”